Total Pageviews

Thursday, 30 July 2015


Welcome Back, Everyone.

Today, we review the final part of one of the more notorious of film trilogies of recent times. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE series (2009-14, Tom Six) has finally come full-circle, and THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE ends the series off, with what can only be described, as being so bad, so utterly rotten, so completely redundant, you have to wonder whether Dieter Laser wasn't sucking-off the director, to get this film released, and earn his pay-packet.

For those who don't know, the film brings back actors Dieter Laser (the mad Dr. Heiter from Part 1) and Laurence Harvey (Martin from Part 2) as two different characters - namely as Prison Warden Bill Boss and his right-hand-man Dwight - as they run a State Prison facility somewhere deep in the American heartland. Dwight tries to persuade Bill that the cure to stopping their inmates from acting-up, is to create a new form of torture for them to endure. Dwight's plan is to create the first-ever 500-person prison centipede, using the inmates.

The first hour is mostly dialogue and a vague scene-setter. The next 27 minutes, are the preparation of the titular centipede creation, and only in the final 10, do we see the damn thing.

Right, I'm not going to pussyfoot about anything here, or be polite. This film sucks! There are not enough words in the English Language, to truly describe what a festering pile of excreta, this film is! Nothing can describe how low this film stoops. Nothing prepares you for how much of the bottom of the barrel has been scrapped, to produce this most soul-sucking of cinematic turds.

If you thought that Parts 1 and 2 were bad - which I honestly don't think they are, as both had moments of genius within them - then you ain't seen nothing yet. For me, this is not only one of the worst horror films ever made, it is in fact one of the worst films ever made. I have had bowel movements with more integrity to them, than anything that exists in the 101 very long, painfully excruciating minutes that this film unwinds over. And now, I plan to tell you why.

Let's not beat around the bush here. The first two weren't masterpieces by any means. However, the first was an interesting twist on the classic Mad Doctor film (see LES YEUX SANS VISAGE, FRANKENSTEIN, DR JEKYLL AND MR HYDE, etc, etc), and the second gave us a very dark glimpse into the mind of a psychopath (see HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, et al). Both were distinct and intelligent enough, to be watchable, even entertaining - in a very sick kind of way - and demented enough, to be watchable to those of us with more jaded horror movie palates. I know they weren't to most people's tastes, and I can certainly see why that is, but at least they tried to be different. They weren't a remake, or a sequel, nor a spin-off, and in this day-and-age, that counts for a huge amount.

That said, HC3 will test any horror fan's patience, to the very limit. Not only because the film outstays its welcome within minutes of it starting, but also because it just pisses on the fans who made the first two such big cult successes in the first place. Essentially, it was if Tom Six was having the last laugh, but at our expense! This is a complete, two-fingered salute to the fans: a solid, "Fuck You all, very, very much" from Six to us! There is practically no redeeming factors for this film. The acting is woeful. Dieter Laser has proven that the original film was a rare monument in class, because here, he's not even acting bad. He's not even acting poorly. Nope, he's not even acting woefully. He's not acting, period! He shrieks and rants every single line, and draws them out, with elongated syllable's that are almost as lengthy as the 500-person cephalopod of the film's title. Half of what he says isn't possible to be understood by normal human beings.

Within the first few minutes of the film, his character proves to be someone you will hate, but not for the usual reasons. His character is utterly unlikeable. Viewers will be instantly turned off by this trussed-up, cranky, grumpy, miserable, misogynistic, narrow-minded bigoted little turd, for the sole reason that he offers nothing to interest the audience. I haven't seen a character so detestable (or detested), since British Chancellor Of The Exchequer, George Osborne was routinely booed by everyone attending the 2012 Paralympics!

Even Laurence Harvey can't act for toffee. His mesmerising presence in THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE in 2011, was clearly a one-off. Everything that made him menacing, terrifying, nightmarish in that, is jettisoned spectacularly, and he serves up what is nothing more than a shabby, lame-brained dumb-ass who weakly and ineptly tries to kowtow to his degenerate boss, at every second, with one of the ropiest American accents ever committed to film.

But the wooden acting, isn't the worst aspect of this film. God, no! What about the plot, I hear you ask? You've not mentioned the plot...

...To be fair, I have mentioned it, but you probably haven't realised it yet. That final line in my second paragraph, is the plot! I'm not kidding! The plot, or what amounts to a semblance of something vaguely appearing to be a plot, is one person tries to create a 500-person centipede. That's your lot! A hundred-and-one-minutes of celluloid is spewed-up, and pretty much Sweet F.A. happens in it!

Yet, there's worse to come. Can the film get any worse? Oh yes! If you think the bottom of that barrel hasn't already been scrapped squeaky-clean, Tom Six still manages to eke-out a few more filings of bodily waste, just to compound the viewers deserving hatred towards this monstrous flick.

Eric Roberts co-stars in this film, as what can only be assumed, is as a State Governor. Once the Centipede has been created - a tenuous stretch of film-logic by any means - and we see it revolt the Governor, a few moments later (well, more like 35 seconds later), he comes back and... Well, I could ruin the finale for you, but I don't know if you'd thank me for it...

...Actually, if I do reveal the ending, I'm probably being wholly merciful. The ending has the Governor actually exclaim that the 500-person centipede is "just the kind of thing America needs"! Holy fucking Christ! We're back to the days of Bill Pullman in ID4: INDEPENDENCE DAY (1995, Roland Emmerich) being a jingoistic prick, and preaching how amazing America is. It makes you want to vomit!

When I watched this film yesterday, with a great friend of mine, we both wondered whether THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 cold actually get any worse, and Tom Six managed to pull another skinned rabbit out of his filthy, disgusting hat, to prove us all right. It could and did get worse!

I've almost forgotten another "highlight": Tom Six's car-crash acting appearance. Director's appearing in their own works, usually don't tend to gain much credibility. Such self-indulgent displays of sycophancy tend to alienate the audience, and they tend to laugh at the cameo, rather than laugh with it.

Tom Six appears as himself in this film, and yet again, we have another reason to hate this vile movie. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 should not even be given the courtesy or respect of being labelled a "film", because it's so Goddamn bloody awful. It should have been banned, for being so inept!

If you liked the first two films, even a little bit, then don't go renting or buying this one. If you hated the first two, this final film will just prove your original opinion to be ever-more valid. But to everyone who has rated this film harshly, I apologise. I should have listened too you, and I'm so sorry that I didn't listen more closely. You were all correct!

There are a dozen more reasons I can list, to hate this film: it's too long; it's genuinely dull; the crap ending that reduces the trilogy to the level of painful comedy; the self-reflexive bullshit that Tom Six includes trying to prove to everyone how "irreverent" he's being; the waste-of-space that is Bree Olsen; the fact the film doesn't even follow its own internal logic; the fact that the centipede isn't actually a proper Human Centipede at all, but a cheap knock-off affair; the inclusion of a Human Caterpillar, that is neither explained or expanded upon; the inept script; the boring cinematography, etc, etc, etc.

Actually, that's ten reasons just there. Need two more? Okay then: the fact that the ending could - potentially at least - leave room for another HUMAN CENTIPEDE film, and finally, the fact that for a horror film, this film isn't very horrific. It's just inept, in almost every level.

People say "There'll never be a director as bad as Uwe Boll". Yes, there fucking well is, and his name is Tom Six! Never have I been so angry or disappointed with a film! Wretched is a word that doesn't come remotely close to describing how completely vacuous and shitty this movie is! When reviews started appearing online, earlier this year, and people were disparaging it, I thought they were being stupid. I actually thought that they were just picking on Six, because this is a trilogy of films that has generated so much negative press since its inception, that people were just being overly harsh and critical.

No, no, no, no!

This is the most horrific, insulting, degrading, stinking, piece of pestilent waste ever shat-out into the world, and offered-up to horror film fans as entertainment. When the highlight of a film, is a scene in which we see a man have his scrotum cut open, and both testicles removed, then you soon realise this film really is so utterly fucking bogus, there is nothing that can save it.

I will end this review, with one final remark: forget that THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 ever existed! If you see it in a DVD rental store, or in a rack of horror film movies in your local HMV, walk right on by. No matter how cheap this movie gets sold for on Amazon, don't be tempted to pony-up any money to see it. Just read my review again, and save yourself from wasting 101 minutes that you will never, ever get back again.

If this film doesn't kill Tom Six's career for good, then there will have been no justice in this world!

No comments:

Post a Comment